Adoption Month

I am in the minority. I chose to create my family differently that most, or so 'they' say. Well, I guess it's a fact. :)

Adoption takes a leap of faith. It doesn't make logical sense to some. It infuriates others. It hurts people. The 'need' for adoption in the first place puzzles and disturbs. There should never be a need for a child to be separated from their family. Let alone go to a second. (or a third, or even many, in the case of foster placement.)

I'm a second. I'm a first mom to my daughter, but I'm not her first mom.

I was asked for the second time yesterday whether or not I will take Lil M back to her family in China. Yep, those words exactly. And, yes, she does have family there. But we don't know who they are, as I explained, and therefore, if we go back it'll be to learn more about her country of birth.

I digress.

What is really on my heart right now is two-fold. Adoption starts from a place of pain. Regardless of what anyone tells you. There is some kind of pain involved somehow, someday. Reunion shows and blogs will tell you that.

But adoption is also a blessing. I've been blessed. I hope to be a blessing to Lil M. And I hope we can bless others. The same goes with T. She is a blessing to me. She has a past, and it wasn't so rosy. There is pain there. And, I realize I've switched to fostering for a second, but the premise definitely holds. There is pain and there is blessing. My prayer every day is that I am a blessing to my children. That I can help guide them through the pain and through the life they are moving toward.

Adoption connects two families permanently... sometimes continents apart. And sometimes down the road. It also can teach new things if you are willing to be open. Taking that leap of faith was the BEST thing I've ever done. Period.

Blessings and peace.

What's in a Name

I've been asked, shockingly, to write some articles on my experiences with adoption. This is the first one I wrote... it's for an adoption experiences website, and I'll let y'all know when it's posted. Feel free to let me know what you think. :)

Peace.

.....

When I was in my late 20's I somehow realized I might not end up married with children like my twin sister did. Or any of the women in my family before me. I, as mean as it sounds, thought that if I had to be married to some of those men I'd rather be single than to be married and procreate with them. Egad. No wonder many in my family divorced multiple times before getting it right!

And, at that time, I didn't feel like having a baby on my own was the right answer either.

But, adoption felt right.

I knew then that I would likely adopt one or more children into my heart and into my family.

It took me all of my 20's and into my 30's to realize that if I wanted the family that I dreamed about, I would have to strike out on my own. Perhaps, I'm a late bloomer in that area. Or maybe just smart. :) Whatever the reason, I decided to pursue adoption on my own when I was 33 years old.

And on a beautiful May morning over two years later, I got the call.

An amazingly beautiful 8 month old girl from China was to be my daughter! Six weeks later my sister and I were on our way to meet her. When they placed her in my arms she was calm. She observed. She was quiet. I couldn't quite tell if she was happy or sad, but she was mine.

So, I named her.

Traditionally it is the parent who names the child. It was the first thing I could legally do as a parent, and so I did.

My daughter came to me with a name, but it wasn't from her first parents. And because I didn't give birth to her, I wanted her to have something like me, my initials. A name similar to her Mommy and others in our family. So, I didn't keep her first given name from her orphanage. There are a lot of days that I wish I would have. I should have at least added it as a second middle name for her, but so far I haven't legally changed it. At the time, I just wasn't sure what to do.

I decided to listen to others who said she would be an American now and that I didn't need to keep her first given name. Logical. And her name is fairly long now (well, her middle name), and I thought it might be more difficult if I added another middle name. Difficult? Whatever. How often do we use our middle names?

I've almost talked myself into seeing what it would take to change her name legally to add her Chinese name.

I want her to be proud of where she came from. And I want her to know that Mommy loves where she came from. It is part of who she is. I want to honor that. I should have realized that to begin with, but I was being a selfish first-time Mommy and I wanted her all to myself. Well, she is all mine... but she came from someplace special, and I want her to know that I love that part of her, too.

Our children need additional reassurances that other children do not. Our children will be questioned throughout their lives about their families and how they feel about their pasts (and their "real" families). They need to know that we love and respect them, and that their past is valuable to who they are. That we, as their parents, aren't threatened by their first families. That we know and show that we are truly family in every sense of the word, and just as real as their past was.

In the past 3 years, I've learned a great deal about loving a child that wasn't born to me but that I call my own. I love her with all of my heart. I do not want to cause her pain, yet I know I will make mistakes along the way.

What I didn't know at first was that it wasn't just about giving her a name. It was about allowing her the possibility of holding onto the one tiny little piece of China that she could take with her anywhere.

It's not just about me.

It's about being a Mommy who knows how to train her child in the way she should go. Not the way the world tells me, but the way that is true to the child whom I get the pleasure of walking through this world. And, if I had it to do all over again, I'd add her first name to the name I gave her.

Because, she gets to call us all... her own.

Peace.

Refinement of view

I read a lot of blogs. I read a lot about adoption and fostering. I read a lot about parenting. Some interesting things I've read recently have made me want to write more about how I feel about the adoption triad (first parents, adoptee, adoptive parent(s)).

My last post could maybe be seen as disrespectful of families who do not adopt. I didn't really mean it that way (not that anyone mentioned it, but I noticed after i re-read it), but it was a little snarky.

Ok, so I'll get right to it.

I believe that families can and are created in multiple different ways and that is entirely OK, but it does seem that having the loving two-parent (man/woman) created family would be the best way to grow up. (Well, at least that's what society tells us is best, anyway, I'm not 100% convinced it needs to be two parents. I digress.) And so, I say seem to be because most families these days aren't functioning that way.

Why?

Because we aren't in the Garden of Eden folks.

Marriages fail.
People get remarried.
They divorce (again).
They get remarried... introducing multiple steps- in the process who may or may not treat the children as "real" family... usually considered 2nd class/best.

Or they don't marry and they have children in unstable relationships, not unlike the ones mentioned above (with several partners over time)... yet they get more grief because they procreated outside marriage.

Or there are social situations that make it clear that a female child is not desirable and, therefore, put pressures on families to make horrendous decisions.

Or there are social situations where families are not supported because either first mother or father lost their spouse (or didn't have one to begin with and are ostracized) and they have to make horrendous decisions.

Or they are same-sex couples who have yet other issues creating family. So they adopt, fertility specialists or use surrogates.

Or they are single and have issues creating family. So they adopt, use fertility specialists, or surrogates...

Or.... ad infinitum.

The actual population of families who are two parent, heterosexual AND functional is the minority in today's world (in the USA, anyway). Does this mean that we are all doomed because divorced and/or single parents and/or homosexual people are raising families?

NO.

However, I've read something recently that I do want to take note of (in my words) about adoption specifically:

Adoption cannot occur without some breakdown somewhere in the "ideal" family, because if everyone lived in the/their ideal family situation there would be no need for adoption.

We can wish that everyone had the ability to live in that ideal world... but, alas, we do not live in the Garden anymore. That doesn't mean that children don't have the inherent right to have a family who loves them. What it does mean is that we aren't to judge them when they question their adoptions, their roots, the reasons for them being in a different family than the one they started out with.

Saying to an adopted person - you should feel lucky your parent(s) adopted you... is a slap in their face. Every child has the right to be in a family and be loved. They aren't lucky.

Were you lucky to have step-parent(s) who treated you like crap?
Were you lucky to have been raised by every tom, dick or harry that came along?
Were you lucky to have been raised by parents who couldn't stand each other and fought every single day?
Were you lucky to have been raised by someone who couldn't even be with you for a couple of hours each day because they had to work to put food on your table... but the relationship wasn't there (just constant frustration and/or anger)?

No. Every child has the right to be loved by their family. I'm not saying in these situations the parent(s) didn't/couldn't love their child and show them that. They can, but their situations aren't that ideal either. That child wouldn't be considered lucky, right? Our families aren't born out of the ideal either. Which is why I can say that our children aren't lucky.

Is it good and right that people want to parent children they did not biologically bring into the world? Well, uh, yeah... of course, I think so.

But I also think that adoption is messy. Families these days are messy. There is pain everywhere and adoption is no exception. Our children will likely wonder why they came to be with us. And wonder 'what if'... they were able to stay with their first family... thereby eliminating the need for their adoption...

I'm not saying, what if they were able to stay in an orphanage or foster home. Who the hell would want to do that? Of course a permanent family is better than that. News flash, our children didn't magically start out in either of those places. They had a family. So, I'm saying - what if there was never a need for their adoption in the first place. That their first family had the ability to stay together or no social pressures or no death. What if they could have stayed in a functional 2-parent "ideal" family?? That they knew their roots and biology?

Don't we all wish we could have had that? ...and if that is so, then why do people find it so hard to believe that our children want(ed) that too?

Who here (not me) has never had a major life-altering hurt that they can't seem to escape 10 or 20 years later (in their heart)??? If you haven't... wow, good for you!! But if you have, then maybe you can start to grasp how our first families might feel. Or how our children might come to feel. I won't know about my own little angel until she is older... but I will not be surprised if she has those feelings of loss someday.

Some people seem to think that mourning this type of loss or wondering what might have been is foolish. They think that our children should be grateful to us and that they should just not ever think about the past... that the/their past is irrelevant.

And while, I do agree that we shouldn't live in the past, I do not agree that any of our pasts is irrelevant. It makes us who we are today and I do think it is good for us to think about those things sometimes, because it helps us to become more healthy and whole.

I want that for my daughter. I want her to feel healthy (love and respect for herself) and whole.

So, alas, I do feel that families can and are created in multiple ways these days and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a functional, loving family is what is most important, whether it is one parent or two ... etc. But I believe that in the case of adoption someone was hurt prior to the creation of our families and that we should be kind and gentle and honor that pain, not invalidate it.

Peace.

Loss

I want to write about something a lot of people seem to either not know or seem to forget about adoption. This is not about anyone specifically, but it is about us all. JMO, of course.

Any adoption at any time in a person's life is a LOSS as well as a gaining.

What this means is

1. A child who was adopted loses a family to gain a family.

2. A child who loses a family will at some time need to process that loss. We should not be the judge of how or when that should happen. It is not our place. And this does not matter if the child was adopted at birth, 1 year or 10 years old.

3. Just because a family feels that they can't parent their child, for whatever reason, that doesn't mean that the child's parents are bad or that the child couldn't have grown up to have a "good" life. What is defined as a "good" life to you or me is quite likely different than what ANY other person might define as a "good" life, here in the States or otherwise. That doesn't make it wrong. Just different. If that child needs to process that loss, LET THEM.

4. Every child grows up to be an ADULT (we pray). Adopted children are no different. When they are adults, it might be the first time they realize what the real implications of this life are vs. what "might have been" had they stayed with their first families.

5. It is not necessary to introduce an adopted child as "thus and such's adopted daughter/son". It is appropriate to introduce them as your son or daughter, my son or daughter. How they entered into my family is not something that has to have a label attached EVERY time he/she is introduced. It's pointed out enough, thanks. It's not a title and it shouldn't be. Being adopted takes place one time on one day. After that, it's called FAMILY.

6. I believe that families born through adoption are no different in many ways to biologically created families. Many people in this world, however, seem to feel that adoption is 2nd best or not as good as... "they" couldn't do it... Well. I have lots of thoughts on that... but... the main thing that I want to teach my daughter is that families are created more than one way and that no one way is better than another. I, personally, didn't feel it necessary to get pregnant. Other women do. More power to them. What I would say is that people should be considerate to those who Can't or who don't need to. Or maybe I should start walking up to people and saying things like, I'm so sorry you're pregnant... couldn't adopt, eh?

Ok, snarky thought aside... my main point is that there is a perceived loss, in addition to the real loss facing our children. How would you feel to always have those thoughts/actions under girding your whole life?

As for me and my house... we are family. Just family.

(Sort of an aside, more of a little rant) I believe that we should LOVE all of our children, no matter how they come to us... and that other people need to mind their own business if they choose not to adopt. And stop feeling sorry for us. We don't feel sorry for us. Society and other people seem to want to tell us all the time that we are different (from those perfect two-parent birthing parent ones). We know that we didn't give birth. WTFE. (end aside, rant)

I would implore you to think about what you are conveying to your children and loved ones about someone in your own family who was adopted. Even if you don't think what you are saying is negative... they may perceive it as such. Think of this... if YOU were the one who had been adopted, how would you want someone to treat YOU? Would you want it always pointed out? Would you want it always brought up as a second best scenario? Or always told you were lucky? Or always have someone diss your first family or country of origin???

Discussions need to take place with that child/teen/adult to let them know you are there for them... to be a shoulder or an ear if they need to process feelings... or grow with them in knowledge of their heritage. Other than that, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.... treat all our children as equals, because that is how they are created in the Lord. Remember, we are adopted children of Christ. I don't believe that was an accident.

Again, these are just some thoughts I had today. Nothing specifically about our family; I have fantastic friends and family... but, we do encounter comments sometimes outside those realms. And with school and her getting older, I imagine this will only increase. Lil M is my daughter and I am blessed to call her mine. She has a history that I don't know much about but will share what I can with her. My prayer is that she always feels loved and that she knows that I will always be here to help her in whatever way I can through this journey.

Peace.

The Big Giant Movie

Lil M and I went to see The Blind Side yesterday, at the movie theatre. She called it the Big Giant Movie. Overall, she did fantastic sitting through the whole thing (except fidgety for about the last 10-20 minutes)...and she didn't care for it being so LOUD. (covered her ears more than once)

The movie was great. It is about Michael Oher (an NFL football player for Baltimore) and his move into a white family during his teen years. It was inspiring, yes. It was inspiring because of his attitude and of his new family and their attitude, too. Very interesting, actually. So many people say that white families shouldn't adopt black children. And, while, I understand the argument, I do believe that it is more a case by case situation rather than a blanket one. In this case, it didn't seem to matter what "color" either Michael or his family were. It seemed more a situation of the right place, right time... to help them all learn and help him to succeed. And, by that, I don't mean NFL. I just mean, in general.

I can't wait to read the book, and have put it on my wish list (from Sis) for Christmas. The movie made me cry, of course. And you know the end when you go in... he's a success story (from an NFL perspective), of course. But he seems to be a genuinely beautiful person. I like that.

Tiny spoiler, but not really ... One thing I thought was cute was when they asked if Michael would like to join their family, and he said he thought he already had. :) (of course, i am not sure if they officially adopted him or not, or just became his legal guardians... they didn't use the word adoption. I need to look that up). Oh, and when he called LeeAnn... Mama. Awwww. And how she sought out his Mom. Really, the whole dang movie... great. I really hope everyone sees it!! :)

I just might have to start watching football. On a 'big giant' tv, just for Lil M... but with the volume turned down!! :) Of course, that'd require buying a big giant tv...

Peace.

Asian American Perspective

I've often wondered just how much "culture" I was/am supposed to incorporate/teach to my daughter... of course, I really have no idea. And I believe culture is not something learned like the ABC's, but more instilled in us... And don't get me wrong, even though I haven't tried too much yet, due to my daughter's age, I do plan to take her to Chinese school, FCC events, and any type of cultural events I can find. Well, that's the plan. Sort of feels superficial to me, but it can't hurt to try. Right?

This article written by an adoptee, tells me that some adoptees might feel the way that I thought they might... that being Asian American is what should be looked at more closely (not saying to not try to incorporate cultural identity).

Still, I'm willing to bet that many adoptees - if they are anything like me - will end up relating more to the Asian American experience than to the traditions in a far-off land that they have no memory of.

When I was a teen I had no interest in Taiwan or my Chinese birth family. As a young adult, I met my birth family. I bonded with my biological sisters, felt intoxicated with the bustling city of Taipei and learned Mandarin. Still, I came to understand I don't "fit in" completely. For me, the language, cultural and emotional barriers are simply too great.

Parents who ask me "how much culture" they think they should "give" their children must remember: culture is not inborn. It's organic and must evolve over time. While it's important to embrace where a child comes from, it is also essential to recognize that their current experience as an Asian in America is just as authentic and interesting as the one they might have had in the land of their birth.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2009/11/06/2009-11-06_its_dangerous_to_push_culture_on_adopted_kids.html#ixzz0W6Ssa8MB - Hopgood is a journalist and author of "Lucky Girl" (Algonquin Books), a memoir about her relationship with her birth parents.

Anyway, just more thoughts for National Adoption Month. :) I certainly want and will try to the best of my ability to help foster my daughter's identity. However she wants to look at herself and our situation, and her own life story.

Peace.

Adoption Group

I'm so excited, I've gotten a couple of emails from folks today that were in my travel group when I met Lil M for the first time!!! I can't believe it's been over two years. A couple of the folks had other children soon after they came back, and that was awesome. I bet they are SO busy! LOL Anyway, I just wanted to post that I finally got to talk to a couple of the members of our travel group! Yeah!!

It was so good to hear they are all doing well. I am hoping we can do a reunion sometime in the near future. Let's see!!

Tonight, we went to get Lil M a couple of things from the store, with a gift card she had gotten. She got a new pink baby stroller, a cool magnetic ABC chalkboard/white board, and a shirt and sweater. She cracks me up. Tonight, she kept telling me that I was taking a shower (imaginary) and then drying my hair. She said the same about herself and Scott. Before that, she said her teddy bear was in trouble and put him in time out. The funny thing is, I don't really have to use time outs with Lil M, so much... I think she got that from daycare. LOL

We went to the Olive Garden for dinner and she ate a ton! I'm thankful she's a good eater. She had salad with croutons, some artichoke spinach dip and bread and then cheese ravioli. :) Oh, and some chocolate mousse pie dessert with Mommy and Scott. LOL. ;-) Ok, so, sometimes even *I* give in and give her treats! hehe.

Having a great day here... and yet, still remembering that it is 9/11. Peace and blessings to all.

Peace.

PS. I had a flu shot today at the Dr's office. Then, I had my Dr fill out the form for the foster/adoption agency. One more paper done. 3 more things still to go. I think. I'm going to double-check to see if Lil M actually has to have the Dr form or not, though.

Relaxing weekend

Lil M and I stayed in most of the weekend. We did get to see the fireworks last night, but that was sort of a last minute decision by this Mama! :) We got to meet our friends MK (and sis, Betty), MK2 for a bit, and Lil M was very happy about that!

I had a tough night again sleeping. This time, I didn't go to sleep until after 1:30am (partly due to studying some scripture)... and then woke up at about 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got up and stayed up until about 8am. That's when Lil M woke up and she went potty and came to snuggle with Mommy. We don't co-sleep as a rule, but on occasion it's nice to get that extra mama daughter time in.

The same happened this afternoon. When she was going to take a nap, she just snuggled up with me on the couch and we both took one together! I normally would have gone ahead and put her in her own bed, but hey, it's a holiday, right?!! :)

I'm still looking at a 2nd adoption. I finally found a couple of good Kaz adoption blogs and I'm hoping to make some contacts over the next few weeks to see how scary that process really is. I've been a bit bummed, because finances won't really allow me to start yet. So, more research is always a good thing. I've been researching Ethiopia, too. I find it to be a good program (for my criteria)... but am still leaning toward Kaz for several reasons. The first of which is that I have a chance to adopt a child of Asian or Euro-Asian decent from Kaz. I really would like that for Lil M. But, it is mostly up to God at this point. I'm open... just need to find the right avenue.

What I find interesting is people's thoughts about different ways to adopt or have a child. For instance, my Gyn seems to think I'm perfectly fine to try to have a baby. Sis is all for that option. But others aren't. And I'm not sure either. Then, there's the country choices or here in the state options. I'm single, so that makes quite a huge difference in my options, still. (drat, why can't China or Vietnam just open back up like I want them to!!)

Some people are against older children adoption. I'm not, but it'd have to be the right fit for Lil M and I. (and i'm still working with an agency in my state for foster/adopt program)

Some people are against certain countries, because they think that the acclimation of the child to our overly-white populated area would be too much. But, then Lil M is a child of color, too... so, while I understand the point (possibly), I don't necessarily agree.

Anyway, just wanted to get some of that out. Overall, the weekend was great. Got to see Sis for a bit and hang with my other favorite person (clearly, Lil M)! :)

Oh, and that scripture study... I'll share that soon.

Peace.

Purpose

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is in life? I mean... really think about it? Well, I have been lately. What is my purpose?

In order to know where you are going, you need to remember where you've been.

I've been struggling a little bit lately with how I always seem to feel differently about almost everything that the people around me do (or that's how it seem to me). Especially the definition of family.

But this is what I've figure out, in my heart. My purpose in life is to live my life to the fullest with the abilities God has given me. And God has opened my heart to a different path than most. Why? I have no idea. Do I think it is partly due to decisions I made (or didn't make) earlier on in my life? Is it because of me and not God? Well, some might argue that it is... but I disagree.

In my early 20's I struggled in relationships. I was afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to get hurt. I made a TON of mistakes. I had no idea what I wanted my life to be or how I wanted it to look. I was a very, very young Christian and my purpose was not clear to me. All I knew at that time is that I needed to complete my education. That I needed to finish that goal. That took a long time and a lot of work, but I did it and it was good.

But when it came to getting married or having kids at that time, it wasn't working for some reason. Maybe it was self-fulfilling, but since I didn't feel worthy of a real relationship or because I was afraid one would actually work, I somehow lost, sabotaged or just blatantly broke relationships up. I was sinking... flailing around in the sea... lost.

I kept my head down, and moved on... kept working, kept going to school. Eventually, I got a house and felt secure in my career. Even still, I didn't feel like I would ever get married. But I wanted a child or children. I wasn't sinking or flailing anymore... instead, I was treading water. I could even hold my head up above the water now.

Then I decided to adopt.

I truly believe that I was lead to adopt. Why? I don't know, really. Part of me really accepts now that it was because of my past and how guilty I felt for all the awful stuff I did. The person I was. That sort of sounds ridiculous. Penance in adoption? It wasn't overtly conscious, but I do believe that I needed to try to start to "make right" (if only in MY OWN HEART) the wrongs I had done to so many people... including myself... way back when. To give to someone else blindly, faithfully.

Why is this important now? Well, I've been considering number 2, and wondering how I might make that happen. Adoption through a different country again? Adoption and/or Foster care here? Have a baby by birth? I decided I want to adopt again. It's what I feel lead to do, for now. So, I took a step and started going through an adoption agency to get certified. And through this process it has brought up some of the same emotions I've had all along, possibly with added ones because of the "little family" I already have.

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not afraid. I am. Lil M and I have a wonderful relationship and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. She is more amazing than I could have ever imagined. How could I ever get lucky enough to have a second amazing child? I think that's a question a lot of parents ask themselves, right?

Another big question for me that keeps coming up for me right now is, "is it fair for me to adopt"? For those of you who know me, I read all kinds of adoption stories. They can be sad and scary sometimes. And there are adult adoptees who honestly believe adoption is negative and that they were abusted/stole/abducted from their birth families or countries and LOST their life. And that the new life they were given wasn't good enough or would ever be good enough to replace the first part of their life. That saddens me so much. To think that Lil M might hate adoption when she grows up is just hard for me to think about. People say it won't happen, but I try to be realistic. It could.

And then... I remember God. I believe that I'm in a place right now where God wants me to forgive myself for my mistakes. I've told myself for years that I'm forgiven and free. God loves me. And that is true. But, I think that personal forgiveness is the absolute hardest thing for me. Giving myself permission to be real, human and make mistakes. I'm not perfect. No one is perfect.

And with that, I remember that God wanted me to adopt. Whatever the reason why... it is what I absolutely, completely believed was my purpose. And I still do. I can be afraid, or I can accept it and keep moving forward. I don't have all the answers. Shoot, I don't have all the questions!! (although, I can come up with a lot!)

So, what does this all mean? Well, we live in a fallen world. We do. It is reality. In (what people tell me would be) a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. Ever. Right? And, if that world was perfect, if adoption was necessary, then it would be done perfectly and ethically in each and every single situation. That everyone would feel validated, free and forgived. There would be no hurt. Children would be with their "biological" families. They would live near the place of their birth, if they chose to. But this is not always possible, is it? And even when it is, life is not perfect. It is what you make it to be. Wallow, flail, sink... or swim, walk, dance, Love!

My purpose is to follow God. To follow God's desires for my life. To teach me how to be a better woman, a better person. And one of those ways, I believe is to take care of the people I'm supposed to take care of. For me, adoption is real. It is a real, viable, amazing, awesome, loving way to create a family. And, if that is what God wants me to continue, then so be it. I will follow. I will be a light to my family and my community, and I will be an advocate for our children.

People can tell you adoption sucks. Adoption is bad. It destroys families. It ruins lives. Adoption doesn't ruin life. Don't kill the messenger. PEOPLE ruin life. Cheating, lying, stealing, divorce, adultery... the list goes on and on. Can the process suck? Can it do more harm than good in some cases? Is there loss? Yes and yes and yes.

What I've come to believe is that it is a choice. Is the glass half empty or half full? I'm a half full kind of gal. I choose life. I can't change the bad stuff. I can only try to be part of the solution, not the problem.

So, in my opinion, all that other stuff is secondary to the main point of life - LOVE. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind... and your neighbor as yourself.

I have a purpose.

Peace.

Homestudy, again

So, I've made a decision. I am going to get paper-ready again. I am going through the local SAFY program to get certified to become a foster/adoptive parent here in my state. Which means, I'll get a current homestudy to be able to adopt, if the opportunity presents itself. It gives me options. Later this year, I am going to look into Nepal, Russia and Kaz. But for now, I'm going to see where this leads. :)

The guy who was leading the class last night said that I can choose to make my file foster adopt only, and pick the age(s) I'm interested in. This means I might have to wait longer, but that's perfectly OK with me. So, I've got some praying to do! :) And lots of paperwork to complete! But I've been there, done that, so I think it'll be OK.

Anyone who's gone through their state process... if you could write and let me know how it went, that would be great!!!!!

Peace.

Foster adopt

I'm looking into foster-care / adoption programs here in my area. I'm going to a SAFY meeting tonight. It is an organization that helps special needs children. I'm not sure what all is involved, so I'm going to check it out. I've also got a call into the local foster/adopt Childrens' center.

That's about all that's on my mind today. :)

Peace.

The wicked witch is dead! (SB68)

Good, good news.... The Kentucky Enquirer posted an article today (nky.com):

FRANKFORT - The sponsor of a controversial bill to ban unmarried couples from becoming foster or adoptive parents acknowledged Tuesday that the bill is dead.

"It's too late," Sen. Gary Tapp, R-Shelbyville, said of Senate Bill 68, which was voted out of committee last week but still hasn't been called for a floor vote. "It didn't go anywhere this session."

Tapp said he didn't know why the Senate's Republican leadership didn't schedule a vote on SB 68.

"I quit asking," he said.

Neither Senate President David Williams nor Majority Leader Dan Kelly, the chamber's top leaders, could be reached for comment Tuesday night.

Even if the bill were to win Senate approval, it would still need to be passed by the House. And there is little chance of that happening with only three scheduled days for passing bills remaining in this year's session.

..."We're encouraged," said Chris Hartman, executive director of Louisville's Fairness Alliance, which held a Feb. 25 rally at the Capitol to oppose the proposal.

Hartman said he hoped the numerous calls, letters and e-mails to lawmakers from opponents have "driven home the message that hate legislation should never be passed in the commonwealth."

....

The bill appeared to be gaining momentum when the Senate Judiciary Committee approved it at a special meeting Thursday, announced as the Senate was adjourning for the day.

One opponent, Lexington Democrat Kathy Stein, called it "legislation by ambush."

The bill passed unanimously, with no discussion, after Tapp and Edmunds spoke in support of it.

But it hasn't moved since. And Tapp acknowledged that with so little time left, chances are remote that it could clear the Senate and the House.

Stein said she thinks that's for the best.

"I think that's an excellent thing," she said, adding that she has had numerous calls from people in her district who oppose the bill.

Tapp said he expects to sponsor the bill again next year.

full article can be found here

Peace.

SB 68, not in the clear yet.

SB 68 made it through Judiciary committee via a secretive meeting last week, where only the defenders of the bill were present. That really upset me, and has made me feel like my efforts have been for nothing... I will keep trying, though. This bill is awful for our state. And I really believe if we rally together, we can affect change.

I received this today from the KY Fairness Alliance:

Some are suggesting that State Senator Gary Tapp’s Senate Bill 68 may be dead for this legislative session, but we are proceeding with caution.

The fair-minded community has certainly seen this picture before. In 2004, we thought the anti-marriage amendment was dead, but pressure from religious extremists forced legislators to revive the bill in the final two days of the session. We CAN NOT let this happen to our families again!

If you have not yet contacted your State Senator over this bill, please do so NOW! CALL the Legislative Message Line at 800-372-7181 and LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE OF OPPOSITION TO SB 68 for your Senator AND Senate Leadership. This is painless and takes only a few minutes.

Senate Bill 68 may be voted on today or tomorrow by the full Kentucky Senate. The Legislature then breaks for Governor Beshear’s veto period. They return on Thursday, March 26 for two days of legislative action.

While the fair-minded community has been busy working on this issue, we must prepare for what could come next. If the Senate passes SB 68 this week, we will be launching efforts to assist you in getting your message of opposition to your House members during the veto period. Do not let SB 68 become the phoenix rising from the fire!

Stay tuned... and keep the calls to State Senators flowing.

In fairness,
Your KFA Team!

PS - Check out the "Face Off" between the Family Foundation and a fairness supporter in The News today.

Again, this affects ALL KINDS OF KENTUCKY FAMILIES. Please help us get them to vote this down. Support our children!!

Peace.

Update - KY SB68

Apparently, the Senator who wrote me and said that KY Senate Bill 68 had been withdrawn, was wrong. :(

I have since found out that this bill is sitting in Judiciary Review and so I have written each of it's members. I'm hoping you will, too. So, if you want to concentrate on a smaller group for now, this'd be the one!!

http://www.lrc.ky.gov/committee/Standing/Jud(S)/members.htm

Please write your Senator if you are in KY, and add these folks to your list!! I'm praying it will 'die' in Judiciary review... but there aren't any guarantees.

Peace.

Thoughts

I've wondered sometimes why they put Adoptive parents under a microscope before allowing us to be parents, whereas a "normal" person can just have a baby (or LOTS of babies) on a whim. One thing that occurred to me (DUH) was that our children are special. And I don't mean in a bad way, but they do have one thing in common that biological families don't...and that is loss. I, personally, think it is the responsible thing to check on the person/people that will parent a child from that unique perspective. Think about it. Our children had a parent or parents who decided that, for whatever reason, they could not raise into adulthood. They were left. Some with a plan, others with none. This is a tremendous loss. I believe that it makes an enormous impact on our children, regardless of how old they are, because sooner or later they will know that they were given up by someone. And that age-old question might arise... am I lovable? How can I be lovable if my (bio) mom and dad left me? Gave me up?

Of course, it is my hope that I can always show Lil M that she is lovable and loved (always and forever) by me. And, frankly, it is a replacement for her. That doesn't make it any less important or genuine or viable. It could make us different, but it is our normal. I can't parent from a negative place, but I do need to keep it in mind. I need to remember, for her sake. So, that when she needs to she can talk to me about it.

I am highly biased, for sure, but I believe it takes a special kind of person to parent a special kind of child. The wonderful thing is that I also believe that we are ALL special in our own ways and that God puts us where we learn, grow and love each other using those attributes. We just have to figure out what that means for our own lives. I wish everyone could experience the journey of adoption. But I know that isn't realistic.

By the way, I'm not suggesting that other children don't suffer losses. They do.

Peace.

Fertility

Today I'm reading articles related to the woman who had octuplets. Yikes. I know I don't know her whole story, so I can't really comment other than to say that I can't imagine having 8 babies inside of me (can anyone??) ... or 8 at one time... or 8 ever (j/k if they were spanned out maybe... maybe not, who knows). I do, however have this obsession with large families!! I love to read about them.

It got me thinking about my single-ness, single motherhood by choice, and adopting vs bearing a child or children. As far as I know, I can bear children. No reason to think I couldn't. Have I had the urge to carry a child in my womb? Not so much. This is for a variety of reasons I will not go into, but I did and do want to be a MOM. So, I adopted. And, if I choose to have more, it will be via adoption (99% certainty). What I wonder is why people who know they have a problem with fertility choose to put themselves through so much pain to try to bear a child. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think that birth is amazing. I've seen it first-hand with my sister. I get that. But, from what I've read and heard, fertility treatment is really sucky. For a variety of reasons... doesn't take, miscarriage, medicine reactions...

I guess this is where adoption seems to be "second best" in a lot of peoples' minds. Which saddens me so much, because I Just Don't Get It. (i would be more emphatic, but then you might think I'm yelling at you! lol)

I can't imagine my life without Lil M, and frankly, I am SO glad I took that route. I guess it could work out differently, but so could a child birthed into the family. Anyway, it's just what's been on my mind today.

This is absolutely not to point fingers at anyone. I know we all have different perspectives and such. I just wonder. Adoption is such an amazing experience... I pray that others will open their hearts and minds to that option.

Peace.

Adoption article

I really like this article, I copied it from the PACT website.

A Biblical View of Adoption
by Chené Tucker, MSW, LCSW

The decision to relinquish a child for adoption or to adopt a child is one that has multiple implications. For many clients, particularly those in the Christian tradition, questions regarding the "biblical acceptability" of placing a child through adoption are often present, whether they explicitly bring up the issue or not. In dealing with a woman considering making an adoption plan, it can be very helpful to direct her to the Bible as a means of helping her to access and integrate the spiritual implications of her adoptive plan. For adoptive parents and adopted people, the Bible has many examples that can help them to see how God used adoption to place children in a particular home for a divine plan and purpose.

Where is adoption addressed in the Bible? The story of Moses, a familiar biblical hero, is an excellent introduction. Born at a time when Hebrew newborns were being killed by the Egyptians, Moses was spared death when his mother sent him downstream in an ark covered with bulrushes. The daughter of Pharaoh found the crying child when she was bathing at the river's edge and decided to parent him, after returning the child to his birth mother to be nursed and weaned. The story of Moses, found in Exodus, is a classic example of adoption.

The story of Moses also supports the view of open adoption. The mother of Moses knew who was parenting her child and where the child was residing. Likewise, the daughter of Pharaoh met the birth mother of her child. Moses later moved away from his adoptive parents and began to identify himself as a Hebrew, returning to his people. This can be seen as a type of reunion. Obviously, Moses knew enough information about his background and roots to have an appreciation for his cultural heritage. In this example, God used the rerouting of Moses' life through adoption for a divine purpose. Moses became a liaison between his own people, the Hebrews, and his adopted people, the Egyptians. Through God's power, he would lead his people out of years of bondage and oppression into freedom.

A second biblical example is taken from the book of Samuel. Hannah, an infertile woman, was desperate for a child and prayed to God. A priest, observing her distraught nature, investigated. Upon learning the nature of her request, he prayed that the God of Israel would grant her wish. She committed in her heart that the child she would bear would be dedicated in service to the Lord all the days of his life.

To her delight, her prayer was answered. When the child was weaned, she brought him back to the priest and placed him in his care for a lifetime of service in the temple. The scriptures mention that after placement of the child, Hannah "made him (Samuel) a little coat and brought it to him from year to year."

Again, in this example, we see a type of adoption. A child was placed in the care of another party. Contact, though minimal, was retained on a yearly basis. The birth mother, Hannah, knew where the child was and to whom he had been given. As the story continues, we see that Samuel grew up to become a mighty prophet and leader for the nation of Israel. We see how God allowed the rerouting of a young man's life for a divine purpose.

A New Testament biblical example of adoption is that of Jesus Christ. Jesus was born of the virgin Mary and spoke of His heavenly Father as God Almighty. According to the scriptures, Joseph, Mary's husband, was not Jesus' birth father but his stepfather. Jesus always knew where He came from and who His "birth father" was. As Jesus was later crucified and resurrected, He "returned" to His Father in heaven. This could again be viewed as a type of reunion, an adopted person being reconnected with his birth family.

In these three situations, we see an absence of secrecy regarding birth roots. Contact was maintained after adoption, particularly in the story of Hannah and Samuel.

The Bible can be a powerful tool in helping adoption triad members to integrate their adoption experiences into their faith. For the birth parent, it can help give a sense of "permission" to relinquish a child, knowing that adoption is scriptural and visible in the Bible and that God allowed and approved adoption, both then and now.

For adoptive families, it can help to answer questions about the validity of openness in adoption from a scriptural standpoint. It also demonstrates the way in which God used adoptive placements to enable children to fulfill a God-ordained plan, as well as to bless parents with a child.

Lastly, to adopted people it gives a message of God's sovereignty over the life of the individual. God in many cases has used adoption placement as a vehicle for His divine plan.

Peace.

This is what I want to Lil M to know

It is OK to be Chinese. It is OK to be who you are. It is OK that you are American... a Chinese American. It is OK that you aren't fluent in Chinese... or maybe you will be! It is OK that you speak English so well. (even at 2 years old!!)

It is OK that you are who you are, and not a cookie cutter replica of Mommy or anyone else. It is OK to be different or the same, or whatever makes you a more comfortable you. I celebrate who you are. I want you to celebrate who you are.

I wish I could tell you more about your biological family. I wish I knew. I wish the world wasn't what it is today. Secrecy and un-openness disgust me. I pray that it is different when you grow up. I can't wait to see your children and your children's children.

You are natural,
You are loved,
You are family,
You are mine,
You are your own person,
You are everything you want to be and more,
You are special,
You are amazing,
You are beautiful,
You are happy and sad and allowed to feel your own feelings,
You are Mommy's "own" child, but I don't own you,
You are my daughter, and I love you.

Peace.

Facebook

I added a new group to Facebook today called International Interracial Adoption. Please feel free to join us.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=46748876007&ref=mf

I also added it as a link to the right called **Facebook Adoption Group

Peace

It's (not) all about me...

Gee, what a concept. It's NOT all about ME. haha. I knew that... but I felt like it's what I should write about today. (i started this post this morning, but am finishing it this evening...)

What I wanted to write about is about adoption, again, and some of the posts I've been reading lately. Adoptees saying their aparents don't 'get it'... and that it isn't about "us" it is about the adoptees. Ok, I'll grant you that in some ways it is solely about the adoptees. In other ways, it is Everyone in the adoption triad. The sad part is that I will likely Never know Lil M's first mom. For us to find her, in China, compared to Korean adoptions of the last generation... is just completely and totally different. I mean, we have NO information, and I do mean, none. Kind of scary in some ways, actually. And it doesn't make me any less curious... and wonder if someday Lil M will want to try to find out what happened.

I suppose I'm jumping the gun. But it is something I do occasionally think about. Ok, more than occassionally.

So, anyway, I've had a migraine today. Not real happy about that... 'cause it meant we missed dinner with Ellen. And I think Scott might be mad at me. I haven't seen him in a week. :(

Peace.