Mothers

...some innermost thoughts from melissa...

So, today I've been thinking about Mia's biological mom. Actually, I've been listening to more adoption stories (who me??), and there were a couple that really struck me. They weren't women from China, so their stories aren't exactly the same, but wow. They cut through my heart. What these women go through to bear a child they don't raise themselves. Holy cow. I, absolutely can NOT imagine it. I mean I absolutely understand why some feel like they can't parent - for whatever reason. But I can't imagine what PAIN they must feel. To suffer, worry, think about... or force yourself not to think about... stuff down... the little piece of your heart that left that day. Unimaginable.

Lil M will never be mine biologically. But, man, I can't imagine not having been touched by this amazing little person. And what her mother must have gone through. Undoubtedly, torture. Even if she pushed the emotions down, or told herself she had to. Or if someone else did it. I just wish she could know the ABSOLUTE and UTTER JOY that Mia is. And I get to raise her. Who is blessed here? I can't even truly express it in words.

Amazing. I mean honest to God, lay prostrate on the ground, THANK YOU GOD. And thank you, Mia's mother for giving her life. She was her first mother. The one who is connected to her through the physical earth. Through centuries of history and duty and tradition, which are amazing. I can only hope and pray that I can be that connected to Lil M in the center our hearts and spirits and lives together...creating a new history for us both.

You know when I started this journey, I was sort of full of myself.. I mean, I *chose* to adopt. I'm a capable woman. I wanted a child. I have a child. But today, I feel so humbled. I have this awesome chance to help another person... become ...whatever she wants to become. I can tear her down or build her up. I absolutely could not love her more if she came from my body....

Peace.

It's (not) all about me...

Gee, what a concept. It's NOT all about ME. haha. I knew that... but I felt like it's what I should write about today. (i started this post this morning, but am finishing it this evening...)

What I wanted to write about is about adoption, again, and some of the posts I've been reading lately. Adoptees saying their aparents don't 'get it'... and that it isn't about "us" it is about the adoptees. Ok, I'll grant you that in some ways it is solely about the adoptees. In other ways, it is Everyone in the adoption triad. The sad part is that I will likely Never know Lil M's first mom. For us to find her, in China, compared to Korean adoptions of the last generation... is just completely and totally different. I mean, we have NO information, and I do mean, none. Kind of scary in some ways, actually. And it doesn't make me any less curious... and wonder if someday Lil M will want to try to find out what happened.

I suppose I'm jumping the gun. But it is something I do occasionally think about. Ok, more than occassionally.

So, anyway, I've had a migraine today. Not real happy about that... 'cause it meant we missed dinner with Ellen. And I think Scott might be mad at me. I haven't seen him in a week. :(

Peace.

First Mother, Second Best

So, someone I read yesterday said that Adoptive parents always choose adoption as the 'second best' thing to procreating. Hm. Well, they don't know me. They picked on people who believed that Adoption was something God wanted them to do. Hm, again, they don't know me. They said that Adoptive parents don't give first mothers enough dues... and that the like...

Let me talk about that one. First Mothers. I know that my daughter was born of a different mother. And if I could find information for her, I would. Did I ever really want an open adoption? Well, not so much. Would I have done it for her, yes. More because I know it would have been hard emotionally, but that wouldn't have stopped me...I don't think. Do I worry there'd be confusion for Lil M? (Yes. Is it a moot point here, yes) But I also believe that if that is the way we are to go, that's the way we will find. I would hope that she wouldn't feel the need to "choose" if it ever did happen. She has two mothers. One who had to part ways with her for whatever reason... we know that, but not why. And me, the other mother who gets to spend as many days and nights as I possibly can getting to know someone so amazing and happy.

Now, as for being second best or a second choice or a plan B. She was NEVER that. Lil M was my FIRST choice. I could have procreated. I wanted to adopt.

Due to my own parenting flaws, I haven't fully decided about a 2nd child, as of yet... no fault of anyone. As Ellen says, if they were ALL like Lil M, everyone would have one!! She is, indeed, a blessing. *Now before you all tout my wonderful parenting skills... I have a temper some days. I get frustrated over stupid crap. I get over it. And I love her more than anything... but I'm SO not perfect. ;-)

Just some more thoughts...

Peace.