What's in a Name

I've been asked, shockingly, to write some articles on my experiences with adoption. This is the first one I wrote... it's for an adoption experiences website, and I'll let y'all know when it's posted. Feel free to let me know what you think. :)

Peace.

.....

When I was in my late 20's I somehow realized I might not end up married with children like my twin sister did. Or any of the women in my family before me. I, as mean as it sounds, thought that if I had to be married to some of those men I'd rather be single than to be married and procreate with them. Egad. No wonder many in my family divorced multiple times before getting it right!

And, at that time, I didn't feel like having a baby on my own was the right answer either.

But, adoption felt right.

I knew then that I would likely adopt one or more children into my heart and into my family.

It took me all of my 20's and into my 30's to realize that if I wanted the family that I dreamed about, I would have to strike out on my own. Perhaps, I'm a late bloomer in that area. Or maybe just smart. :) Whatever the reason, I decided to pursue adoption on my own when I was 33 years old.

And on a beautiful May morning over two years later, I got the call.

An amazingly beautiful 8 month old girl from China was to be my daughter! Six weeks later my sister and I were on our way to meet her. When they placed her in my arms she was calm. She observed. She was quiet. I couldn't quite tell if she was happy or sad, but she was mine.

So, I named her.

Traditionally it is the parent who names the child. It was the first thing I could legally do as a parent, and so I did.

My daughter came to me with a name, but it wasn't from her first parents. And because I didn't give birth to her, I wanted her to have something like me, my initials. A name similar to her Mommy and others in our family. So, I didn't keep her first given name from her orphanage. There are a lot of days that I wish I would have. I should have at least added it as a second middle name for her, but so far I haven't legally changed it. At the time, I just wasn't sure what to do.

I decided to listen to others who said she would be an American now and that I didn't need to keep her first given name. Logical. And her name is fairly long now (well, her middle name), and I thought it might be more difficult if I added another middle name. Difficult? Whatever. How often do we use our middle names?

I've almost talked myself into seeing what it would take to change her name legally to add her Chinese name.

I want her to be proud of where she came from. And I want her to know that Mommy loves where she came from. It is part of who she is. I want to honor that. I should have realized that to begin with, but I was being a selfish first-time Mommy and I wanted her all to myself. Well, she is all mine... but she came from someplace special, and I want her to know that I love that part of her, too.

Our children need additional reassurances that other children do not. Our children will be questioned throughout their lives about their families and how they feel about their pasts (and their "real" families). They need to know that we love and respect them, and that their past is valuable to who they are. That we, as their parents, aren't threatened by their first families. That we know and show that we are truly family in every sense of the word, and just as real as their past was.

In the past 3 years, I've learned a great deal about loving a child that wasn't born to me but that I call my own. I love her with all of my heart. I do not want to cause her pain, yet I know I will make mistakes along the way.

What I didn't know at first was that it wasn't just about giving her a name. It was about allowing her the possibility of holding onto the one tiny little piece of China that she could take with her anywhere.

It's not just about me.

It's about being a Mommy who knows how to train her child in the way she should go. Not the way the world tells me, but the way that is true to the child whom I get the pleasure of walking through this world. And, if I had it to do all over again, I'd add her first name to the name I gave her.

Because, she gets to call us all... her own.

Peace.