Loss

I want to write about something a lot of people seem to either not know or seem to forget about adoption. This is not about anyone specifically, but it is about us all. JMO, of course.

Any adoption at any time in a person's life is a LOSS as well as a gaining.

What this means is

1. A child who was adopted loses a family to gain a family.

2. A child who loses a family will at some time need to process that loss. We should not be the judge of how or when that should happen. It is not our place. And this does not matter if the child was adopted at birth, 1 year or 10 years old.

3. Just because a family feels that they can't parent their child, for whatever reason, that doesn't mean that the child's parents are bad or that the child couldn't have grown up to have a "good" life. What is defined as a "good" life to you or me is quite likely different than what ANY other person might define as a "good" life, here in the States or otherwise. That doesn't make it wrong. Just different. If that child needs to process that loss, LET THEM.

4. Every child grows up to be an ADULT (we pray). Adopted children are no different. When they are adults, it might be the first time they realize what the real implications of this life are vs. what "might have been" had they stayed with their first families.

5. It is not necessary to introduce an adopted child as "thus and such's adopted daughter/son". It is appropriate to introduce them as your son or daughter, my son or daughter. How they entered into my family is not something that has to have a label attached EVERY time he/she is introduced. It's pointed out enough, thanks. It's not a title and it shouldn't be. Being adopted takes place one time on one day. After that, it's called FAMILY.

6. I believe that families born through adoption are no different in many ways to biologically created families. Many people in this world, however, seem to feel that adoption is 2nd best or not as good as... "they" couldn't do it... Well. I have lots of thoughts on that... but... the main thing that I want to teach my daughter is that families are created more than one way and that no one way is better than another. I, personally, didn't feel it necessary to get pregnant. Other women do. More power to them. What I would say is that people should be considerate to those who Can't or who don't need to. Or maybe I should start walking up to people and saying things like, I'm so sorry you're pregnant... couldn't adopt, eh?

Ok, snarky thought aside... my main point is that there is a perceived loss, in addition to the real loss facing our children. How would you feel to always have those thoughts/actions under girding your whole life?

As for me and my house... we are family. Just family.

(Sort of an aside, more of a little rant) I believe that we should LOVE all of our children, no matter how they come to us... and that other people need to mind their own business if they choose not to adopt. And stop feeling sorry for us. We don't feel sorry for us. Society and other people seem to want to tell us all the time that we are different (from those perfect two-parent birthing parent ones). We know that we didn't give birth. WTFE. (end aside, rant)

I would implore you to think about what you are conveying to your children and loved ones about someone in your own family who was adopted. Even if you don't think what you are saying is negative... they may perceive it as such. Think of this... if YOU were the one who had been adopted, how would you want someone to treat YOU? Would you want it always pointed out? Would you want it always brought up as a second best scenario? Or always told you were lucky? Or always have someone diss your first family or country of origin???

Discussions need to take place with that child/teen/adult to let them know you are there for them... to be a shoulder or an ear if they need to process feelings... or grow with them in knowledge of their heritage. Other than that, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.... treat all our children as equals, because that is how they are created in the Lord. Remember, we are adopted children of Christ. I don't believe that was an accident.

Again, these are just some thoughts I had today. Nothing specifically about our family; I have fantastic friends and family... but, we do encounter comments sometimes outside those realms. And with school and her getting older, I imagine this will only increase. Lil M is my daughter and I am blessed to call her mine. She has a history that I don't know much about but will share what I can with her. My prayer is that she always feels loved and that she knows that I will always be here to help her in whatever way I can through this journey.

Peace.