Refinement of view

I read a lot of blogs. I read a lot about adoption and fostering. I read a lot about parenting. Some interesting things I've read recently have made me want to write more about how I feel about the adoption triad (first parents, adoptee, adoptive parent(s)).

My last post could maybe be seen as disrespectful of families who do not adopt. I didn't really mean it that way (not that anyone mentioned it, but I noticed after i re-read it), but it was a little snarky.

Ok, so I'll get right to it.

I believe that families can and are created in multiple different ways and that is entirely OK, but it does seem that having the loving two-parent (man/woman) created family would be the best way to grow up. (Well, at least that's what society tells us is best, anyway, I'm not 100% convinced it needs to be two parents. I digress.) And so, I say seem to be because most families these days aren't functioning that way.

Why?

Because we aren't in the Garden of Eden folks.

Marriages fail.
People get remarried.
They divorce (again).
They get remarried... introducing multiple steps- in the process who may or may not treat the children as "real" family... usually considered 2nd class/best.

Or they don't marry and they have children in unstable relationships, not unlike the ones mentioned above (with several partners over time)... yet they get more grief because they procreated outside marriage.

Or there are social situations that make it clear that a female child is not desirable and, therefore, put pressures on families to make horrendous decisions.

Or there are social situations where families are not supported because either first mother or father lost their spouse (or didn't have one to begin with and are ostracized) and they have to make horrendous decisions.

Or they are same-sex couples who have yet other issues creating family. So they adopt, fertility specialists or use surrogates.

Or they are single and have issues creating family. So they adopt, use fertility specialists, or surrogates...

Or.... ad infinitum.

The actual population of families who are two parent, heterosexual AND functional is the minority in today's world (in the USA, anyway). Does this mean that we are all doomed because divorced and/or single parents and/or homosexual people are raising families?

NO.

However, I've read something recently that I do want to take note of (in my words) about adoption specifically:

Adoption cannot occur without some breakdown somewhere in the "ideal" family, because if everyone lived in the/their ideal family situation there would be no need for adoption.

We can wish that everyone had the ability to live in that ideal world... but, alas, we do not live in the Garden anymore. That doesn't mean that children don't have the inherent right to have a family who loves them. What it does mean is that we aren't to judge them when they question their adoptions, their roots, the reasons for them being in a different family than the one they started out with.

Saying to an adopted person - you should feel lucky your parent(s) adopted you... is a slap in their face. Every child has the right to be in a family and be loved. They aren't lucky.

Were you lucky to have step-parent(s) who treated you like crap?
Were you lucky to have been raised by every tom, dick or harry that came along?
Were you lucky to have been raised by parents who couldn't stand each other and fought every single day?
Were you lucky to have been raised by someone who couldn't even be with you for a couple of hours each day because they had to work to put food on your table... but the relationship wasn't there (just constant frustration and/or anger)?

No. Every child has the right to be loved by their family. I'm not saying in these situations the parent(s) didn't/couldn't love their child and show them that. They can, but their situations aren't that ideal either. That child wouldn't be considered lucky, right? Our families aren't born out of the ideal either. Which is why I can say that our children aren't lucky.

Is it good and right that people want to parent children they did not biologically bring into the world? Well, uh, yeah... of course, I think so.

But I also think that adoption is messy. Families these days are messy. There is pain everywhere and adoption is no exception. Our children will likely wonder why they came to be with us. And wonder 'what if'... they were able to stay with their first family... thereby eliminating the need for their adoption...

I'm not saying, what if they were able to stay in an orphanage or foster home. Who the hell would want to do that? Of course a permanent family is better than that. News flash, our children didn't magically start out in either of those places. They had a family. So, I'm saying - what if there was never a need for their adoption in the first place. That their first family had the ability to stay together or no social pressures or no death. What if they could have stayed in a functional 2-parent "ideal" family?? That they knew their roots and biology?

Don't we all wish we could have had that? ...and if that is so, then why do people find it so hard to believe that our children want(ed) that too?

Who here (not me) has never had a major life-altering hurt that they can't seem to escape 10 or 20 years later (in their heart)??? If you haven't... wow, good for you!! But if you have, then maybe you can start to grasp how our first families might feel. Or how our children might come to feel. I won't know about my own little angel until she is older... but I will not be surprised if she has those feelings of loss someday.

Some people seem to think that mourning this type of loss or wondering what might have been is foolish. They think that our children should be grateful to us and that they should just not ever think about the past... that the/their past is irrelevant.

And while, I do agree that we shouldn't live in the past, I do not agree that any of our pasts is irrelevant. It makes us who we are today and I do think it is good for us to think about those things sometimes, because it helps us to become more healthy and whole.

I want that for my daughter. I want her to feel healthy (love and respect for herself) and whole.

So, alas, I do feel that families can and are created in multiple ways these days and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Having a functional, loving family is what is most important, whether it is one parent or two ... etc. But I believe that in the case of adoption someone was hurt prior to the creation of our families and that we should be kind and gentle and honor that pain, not invalidate it.

Peace.